Dear Atuk,

Oh the 10th February 2008, you heaved your last breath, it was early in the morning when all of us were sleeping.  Since you were admitted into the hospital, we as a whole family sat by your bedside, most were teary-eyed, except me.  I couldn’t cry, I felt numb.

The air in the room was still, the atmosphere somber.  People hung their heads low, holding their heads up, praying constantly.  The room was filled with silent murmurs of visitors reciting the Yaasin.  Everything seemed so tense and serious.  I left the room several times, trying to break free from reality.  I thought if I left the room it would relief my feelings.  However, it was only temporary as now when I reminisce the poignant memories, I am stabbed with guilt on how I wasn’t with you when you were fighting against the pain.

You were weak on the second day in the hospital; you got weaker, your face started to lose its radiance.  Your seemed to know your time was up, you asked for forgiveness and bid farewell.  Your struggled words still ring in my ears.

“Selamat tinggal.”   Goodbye.  My heart grieved, but somehow tears just didn’t roll down my cheeks. Later that day, you slipped into coma.  However, I wasn’t there to receive the news as I was at Busu’s, my youngest uncle’s place.  Again, guilt penetrated through my heart.  Together with my cousins, I was busy baking cookies, which were to be sold on Valentine’s Day.

While resting my head at home, Pak Lang, my fourth uncle rang me up at four in the morning to convey the bad news.  Soon, your body was brought home.  I kissed your forehead, it felt cold.  You looked pale yet peaceful.  The room was awkwardly calm, I guessed we were prepared for your death.

Now, four months have passed and I thought that you’d like to know a few things.  Firstly, I want you to know that I have always loved you although I might not have shown it.  Secondly, I have always wished that I knew more about you.

From this experience, I have learnt that we should always treasure our loved ones when they are still around as it is human nature to treasure things only after they are gone.   By then, it will be too late.

With Love
Your granddaughter
Nur Shafeeqah